Ozzy Osbourne Is A Genetic Anomaly

“I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol.” —Ozzy Osbourne

In a Nutshell

One of the most infamous musicians of all-time, Ozzy Osbourne is well-known for his years as a drug-taking, drink-swilling hellraiser. Research has shown that it was only because of his unique genetic code—consisting of genes related to addiction and alcoholism that were unknown to medical science—that he was able to survive these years of self-abuse.

The Whole Bushel

For those of you who have been living in a cave for the past 40 years, Ozzy Osbourne is, quite simply, a rock-and-roll legend. As part of Black Sabbath, he’s responsible for kickstarting the development of the heavy metal genre of music, as well as the belief that rock music and Satanism are one and the same thing.

In 2010, a group of scientists, puzzled by how Ozzy has survived a career full of situations that could kill a normal person—24/7 drug binges, endless bottles of booze, being married to Sharon—analyzed his blood in a quest for answers. Eventually, the results came back: As it transpires, not even the most advanced genetic analysis can explain the one-man evolutionary marvel that is the Prince of Darkness.

According to the researchers who carried out the testing, Ozzy possesses very special genes relating to addiction, alcoholism, and drug usage. When analyzed, these genes showed structural variations that were previously unknown to science, and it’s thought that the only reason that these genes have these anomalous structures is because they specifically forced themselves to evolve as a defense mechanism against the years of mind- and liver-bending abuse that Ozzy was putting himself through during his career.

The analysis of Ozzy’s genetic code was so thorough that we also know that his genes make him six times more likely to become an alcoholic and 2.6 times more likely to see hallucinations after taking substances such as marijuana and LSD. In addition, he’s also more likely to become addicted to cocaine (compared to an average, non-superpowered human being). However, he mentioned in an interview that he never would have noticed this vulnerability during his drug-taking phase, as he was smoking so much cocaine that it was impossible not to become addicted to it.

At the press conference announcing this, Sharon Osbourne said that “at the end of the world, there will be cockroaches, Ozzy and Keith Richards.” Looking at these results, she might have a point.

Show Me The Proof

ABC News: Ozzy Osbourne Is a Genetic Mutant
Scientific American: Ozzy Osbourne’s Genome Reveals Some Neandertal Lineage